In my early readings of Parker Palmer’s book The Courage to Teach I found myself struck by the great depth of meaning in the phrase “be not afraid.” I admit I have felt a lot of anxiety over the beginning of this journey into education, but the path I would be leaving behind me in choosing education spurred me onward in spite of it.

Anxiety is synonymous with fear. Both serve the organism in letting it know that danger awaits. In this modern life however these sources of fear are often invisible. “Do I have a text?” “Did I miss an important email?” “Am I going to fail as a teacher?” “Is work going to suck today?” The answer to all these questions WILL at some point be “yes,” and while none of these examples are a lion hunting for dinner, our emotional reaction to all of them, depending on the circumstances, can be just as severe.

However, Palmer has some soothing, real wisdom to share. There will never be a year where I do not fail. There will never be a time I know it all. There will never be an age at which I will have the utmost confidence in teaching. If this goal we all have to feel competent and perfect ever comes, then we shall know we have arrived at either insanity or incompetence and should forthwith retire from the profession.

As someone who oftentimes finds TOO many faults within herself, I fear my greatest challenge will be arriving at a point of comfort in moderation. I often care too deeply about minutiae when I should be focusing on the big picture. In this program with all my teachers and guest speakers at one point or other has the topic of emotional state arisen of either the teacher or a child. What has stuck strongly with me is this idea that a teacher without enough emotional buffer or “spoons” is not in a fit state to teach. Yet, stress is an inescapable enemy. The idea that a child can be mortally wounded in their soul from one moment of weakness on the part of a teacher is a terrifying thought to hold in one’s hands and examine. So important must mental health be then, such that, surely, it must be prized higher than everything else? If the truth of our very being shines through us in every moment like the sun through a stained glass, so much work will need to go into creating the most beautiful, calm, warm, caring, patient, and perfect piece of art possible.

But… perfection is a fallacy, as we know. How then can ANY teacher in good conscience teach? For are we all not imperfect beings with souls of stained, imperfect glass? How then do we ensure that only the best parts of our inner murals are available to the students? Do we close off parts of ourselves entirely or do we block the light behind the ugly bits? For within the most beautiful humans can ugly elements be found, and within the most ugly of humans can a sparkle of beauty be cultivated. These questions may have no clear answers. However, if the stress, the negativity, the struggle ever becomes overwhelming — if the ugly in the glass eclipses the beauty shining through within — we have a responsibility to our students to address the state of our inner selves.

Or, as a certain someone in our program summed it up: “If you need a mental health day… take it.”